What was your original face before your parents were born?
— Zen Koan
What does this koan do to your mind? Either the mind calls it absurd or tries to solve it and fails. But for a few, it invites them on an exploration of self. If you bring in your witness, you may be able to get past your name, body, career, and daily identity. Then you question — “Who am I?” This “Who” in the question is complex and multi-threaded. To understand the “Who,” we need to pause and see the development of self — from the Beginner’s Mind to the Adult Mind, and then to rest in the Old Mind.
I am writing about the Adult Mind — a mind which has transitioned into adulthood. The identity of Me, My, and Mine is getting defined (or well formed), and a new person is being established. Understanding this process can unlock many of my own struggles. It may not solve them, but it can change the meaning I give them. I will try to see the undercurrents of my struggles. That’s what I aspire to.
Who is this new person being established? The ego. The Adult Mind is the Ego Mind. This ego is within me and, most probably, is the one influencing the writing. The paradox will stay. My mind may be able to take me to the balcony, to see me writing. I hope it will be illuminating. I may see my own activity of making meaning. For a few moments, I will be the witness to my meaning-making. And that excites me.
The Ego Mind — Part 1
A Built Thing
I sit at my writing desk, getting overwhelmed by the scope of “The Ego Mind.” The mind we all aggregate over our childhood. The Ego Mind is too big for one blog, so I will take it in four parts. As discussed in “The Beginner’s Mind,” the aggregation of building blocks for self continues until stage 7 — the emergence of self-striving. At this stage, the self is able to make long-term goals and create meaning for its identity. This identity is Gordon Allport’s “proprium.” I like to call it the aggregated ego. It defines Me, My, and Mine. It creates a separation — the world gets divided into me and others.
The journey of development moves through seven stages — my wording of Allport’s:
- Perception of Sensation — the initial awakening to experiences that shape our understanding.
- Self-Identity through Name — establishing who we are, starting with our name.
- Desire for Independence — our intrinsic drive for freedom and self-determination.
- Concept of Mine (Identity Expansion) — broadening our identity through personal ownership and connection, what we now call mine.
- Self-Image — the Good me vs the Bad me, the ongoing conflict between our ideal self and our flaws.
- Rational Self — thoughts solving problems for me.
- Self-Striving — long-term goals and meaning for “ME.”
This is all aggregation. The ego is adding layers to layers. By the seventh stage, an unbaked clay statue of self is ready. It’s ready to be baked.
As per Allport’s theory of the developing self, the seventh stage begins around age 12 and continues. The eighth and final stage of development can happen when the clay statue goes through the process of baking, and self-as-knower emerges. The overarching consciousness integrates all functions.
The aggregated ego projects itself through its form, feeling, perception, mental formations, and consciousness (the five skandhas), bounded by “ME, MY, and MINE!” For each person, these projections are unique because they are projected through the lens of the Ego Mind. An adult mind takes shape. A new person with its own lens lands in the system we call society. The trouble is awareness — neither is society aware of the new person, nor is the person aware of their own lens. A conflict is bound to happen. The adult mind must establish itself, and the tool it uses is the ego.
Back to the stages for a moment. Allport’s model says when stage 7 begins, but not when it ends, and it gives no age for stage 8. I think it is deliberate. The development of the ego/adult mind unfolds over many decades, starting around age 12. Rather than a forward movement from stage 7 to stage 8, I think the development process is a back-and-forth movement.
I find a similar thought in Robert Kegan’s The Evolving Self (1982). Its central claim is that being a person is the activity of making meaning. The self is not a thing we have. It is a motion we are — and it keeps reorganizing through life.
Look again at the aggregated ego. It looks like a statue — layer upon layer, stage by stage, until it feels solid and finished. But a statue is a thing. Is the ego a thing? I am not sure. From inside, it feels like a statue. From the balcony, it looks like a motion, always changing. Nothing has changed except where I stand. At some point in my adult life, I may find myself on the balcony. We suffer when we keep taking the motion for a statue. Buddhism calls this clinging (upadana) to the impermanent (anicca). Its fruit is dukkha.
The Adult Mind in Four Parts
1. A Built Thing (This Blog)
The ego is not born. It is aggregated. Layer upon layer, from the first sensation of a body to the long-term striving of “ME.” A clay statue of self, ready to be baked.
2. The Filter
Once built, the self does not simply see the world. It projects. Every thought, action, and reaction passes through the lens of Me, My, and Mine. The same homeless man is a nuisance to one person and a suffering human being to another. The filter bends reality, and we call it reality.
3. The Expert Trap
What aggregates also hardens. Competence becomes certainty. The expert mind knows so much that it stops seeing. The Beginner’s Mind is the answer to this trap.
4. The Turn
The ego does not have to be destroyed. It can be seen — by the witness who stands behind it. Loss, slowing down, and silence are often the doorway. And the road is not a straight line but, as I suspect, a back and forth. It leads to the Old Mind.
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