Life in a slow lane

T+0: September 30th 2024

Today is my last day at Microsoft, and I’m on vacation in Istanbul. I actually left for this trip three days before my official last day in the office – my final “official” vacation. There’s something wonderfully appealing about leaving on a trip and just never having to go back. That was the idea, anyway: an idea to help me find freedom and rediscover myself.

I’m trying to slow down, to see the empty space between myself and the world. In those quiet moments, I catch glimmers of hope and a sense of unbounded opportunity. Yet, my mind still races, filled with thoughts and emotions I can’t quite decipher. The possibility of uncovering something precious feels distant, and an emotional connection to my old life persists. My ingrained identity is fighting back, resisting the urge to slow down.

At 4:30 AM, I wake in my hotel, and thoughts burst forth like an overflowing river held back by a barrage. There’s a profound sense of freedom, but also a sense of loss. I feel like a tiny boat, tossed between these two powerful emotions. It’s a feeling similar to when I left for the USA 33 years ago, leaving my family and loved ones behind in India. Life, it seems, has a way of repeating itself, even if the context for the place and time changes.

My wife sleeps soundly beside me, while I’m lost in thought. I keep wondering: Who am I, really? What is “my self”? Perhaps the true self lies beneath this flood of thoughts, waiting to emerge. If at all a true self exists, I have to wait for the river of my mind to slow. But will it?